|Fat, Ugly, Sarcastic, Arrogant, and Insensitive Guy|
|Seller assumes all responsibility for listing this item. You should contact the seller to resolve any questions before bidding. Auction currency is U.S. dollars ( $ ) unless otherwise noted.|
Fat, Ugly, Sarcastic, Arrogant, and Insensitive Guy
I make pretty good money, and I'm relatively easy to take care of. As long as I'm supplied a fairly constant stream of frozen pizzas and given Internet access, everything goes pretty smoothly. I don't spend large amounts of money without asking permission, and I'll pay the mortgage and bills. My house is fairly nondescript, but of reasonable size. I drive unobtrusive cars, and will let you have half of the garage-- more if you ask nicely or just pressure me into giving my half up.
I am, however, very arrogant, sarcastic, and insensitive. Reference from my quasi-ex-wife is available, upon request. I am, apparently, cruel and cold-hearted. I lack even the most basic capability for emotion, and I'm mean. I'm cursed with the inability to lie to people who are important to me. I also value trust in others, and expect promises not to be broken. Spending quality time with high-level nuclear waste would be better than spending time with me-- and certainly more healthy. I'm one of those pathetic losers with IT certifications (MCSE, CCNA, CCDA)-- and to top it all off, I use Linux and actually like it better than real Unix operating systems (Solaris-- ick!). I am just that vile.
I play drums, guitar, and saxophone-- so I can provide light entertainment at parties. I'm reasonably handy with tools and drafting instruments. I can code in several programming languages, and actually know what I'm doing. I am versed in relational database design, rudimentary mathematics, and cooking food in the microwave. I can program a VCR, and the clocks are set on all my major appliances.
Ideal buyer will not have a problem with the two cats that live with me, or my taste in crappy music. Ideal buyer is female (sorry guys!), and I reserve the right to cancel bids from bidders with negative feedback.
Will ship in Continential United States only. Buyer pays true shipping charges. I do not accept PayPal, BillPoint, or COD (I do not like receiving fish in the mail). Please be sure you understand my conditions before bidding.
ABSOLUTELY NO RETURNS OR REFUNDS. AS-IS. NO WARRANTY. IF IT BREAKS, YOU GET TO KEEP BOTH PIECES. PURCHASE OF THIS ITEM MAY LEAD YOU TO INFINITE UNHAPPINESS, BITTERNESS, AND ANGER. YOUR MILEAGE MAY VARY. OBJECTS IN MIRROR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR. E PLURIBUS UNUM. FOR EVERY ACTION, THERE IS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION. GABBA-GABBA-HEY! GIVE ME LIFE, GIVE ME PAIN, GIVE ME MYSELF AGAIN.